I’ve been holding onto a lot of anger these past few weeks, and what is both the best, and worst thing about it, is my focused awareness on it. I’ve had a lot of anger around career choice, if the direction I am taking my life is the right one, if decisions I have made in the past really have shaped me in the best way, and probably much, much more.
The funny thing is I guess you could say is that as much as I could list off 100 things I am angry about right now, I really have no reason to be angry, nor do I want to remain angry at all of these trivial reasons, thoughts, feelings.
How many times can you remember being angry?
How many times can you remember thinking how you are just so angry, that you just can’t wait to stay angry because you are having an awesome time?
I’d guess none…
So then how many times have you been angry, at something, or at someone? And your thought process has been something along the lines of “wow, I’m pretty mad here, I should do something to not be mad anymore?”
I’d take a guess here and say probably every time? Unless of course you are being completely unreasonable, and hey, we all can be from time to time, as the weather can change in a heartbeat, so can our thoughts, feelings and emotions, and that is completely ok, despite what social norms say.
So what is it that snaps you into thinking about how you are feeling at any given moment? What is that one thing that each of us possess, and can choose to use at any given time to change our state of mind, or our attitude towards something, or someone?
The world is an interesting place these days. It is quite divided on some fronts, but apparently so together on others. It is as if the world, and we who occupy it, are realising we have been acting or behaving in a certain way for so long, almost on auto pilot, but are having feelings of immense restlessness, or a subtle knowing that things need to change, as the road we travel on is getting near the end, and we need to turn a corner.
I question myself several times a day whether I am just getting older and becoming wiser (or more of a jaded arsehole) about how the world works, how people work, and how I work. I posed a question not too long ago to someone in their 80’s…
“Is it just me getting older and more aware, or is the world in a bit of a state of disarray?”
I was confident that they would pat me on the head and say “Oh darling man, you are just becoming aware of things that you previously were not”, and that I would go on with my day, my thoughts and feelings validated, and that everything would be ok.
To my surprise, their response was very different;
“Good lord, the world has well and truly lost its way. I’m in my 80’s and I’ve seen some things in my time, but nothing like what going on these days, and what you will see in your lifetime, it really is a madhouse.”
“Christ!” I thought to myself, “That was not the answer I was looking for”.
How symbolic of life though I suppose, often the answers we want to the questions we ask, are very to different to the answers we get, but often the answers we get, are more valuable than we could ever imagine, and come from people and situations when we least suspect.
Reflecting on this conversation just now during my cognitive thought process of transforming my anger into something positive, a clear message comes through, and I am most definitely not the first to have this revelation.
All we can really control in our worlds is how we react to things, how we act in situations, what we put into our bodies and into our minds, and not much else really. Often though, it is easy to become overwhelmed in the current day with all that is going on around us, and act out on a feeling of everything seeming too much at times.
Information is more readily available than ever before. The world of materialism has a lot of us hooked. Things are shiny, things are new, things are clean, advertising and marketing has done its job penetrating our minds and convincing us that we must have or do certain things to belong, to be happy, to be accepted.
Accepted by who though I wonder?
I’m confident that many can think back to a time, maybe during school, maybe yesterday, or maybe even today, where you were so desperate to have something, or do something, or dress or act in a certain way to fit in, or be cool, or feel accepted.
I’m confident here also that this need to be accepted was not satisfying any true inner desire for happiness or acceptance, but rather an ego based external need, which, if you were to reflect on it today, or even a day later back then, you would have felt perhaps a bit deflated, or rejected, or just plain shit.
Getting back to anger, and my situation I described earlier, where I have been blatantly raging for no apparent reason lately, apart from the fact that even after many years of work on myself, I am still comparing what I am doing and where I am in life, to others, others I will never meet, to others that I will never walk a day in their shoes, to others who I will never know what is really going on in their minds.
To others that for all I know, are looking at everything that I am doing and feeling lesser because they are trying to keep up with me. So in knowing and realising this, there really is no point in getting angry at all about anything, because we are only ever where we are right now, never anywhere else, despite how much we wish we are, we are right here.
Awareness truly is the greatest motivator for change, just having an awareness that what we are doing in our daily lives, not even specifically around work, study, relationships or the like, but even something as simple as doing our hair in a certain way because we feel we have to.
The sheer fact that there is a little niggle inside of you that makes you a little mad, or a little sad about something going on in your life, is a good thing. The next good thing is that the sheer fact that you are conscious enough to feel it, to think about it, and to decide on a course of action past it, is bliss.
Awareness I feel, is much like intuition, if not intuition but just labeled with a different word. It feeds off our senses, off our sight, our hearing, our smell, our touch, and taste. If we come up against anything that does not go with our senses, it is our awareness that tells us so.
From here, we have some choices:
- To go with it and see what happens
- To go with it and face a consequence
- To stop what we are doing and overthink it for days, months or years and become certified over thinkers
- Or to stop what we are doing, respect our senses, and move on, leaving the situation, and our thoughts and feelings towards it, right where it belongs, behind us.
Chances are we will do the top 3 far more many times than we need to, but if you are anything like me, sometimes we just have to touch the red button, even though we shouldn’t, but it satisfies something inside of us, and punishes us at the same time., the duality of our existence.
So the next time something is impacting on your senses and you feel immediately that it is not right, or does not agree with you in some way, try your best to simply respect it right there and then, and move on, let it go, release it, and don’t let the thoughts the follow of “oh but if I just did this or that, then this or that might have happened or might not have happened”.
Fuck it, too bad, too little too late, the event that triggered or aroused your senses does not even physically exist anymore (if it ever did at all), only your memory and thoughts around it do. And memories don’t even hold up in court anymore, so why should they be allowed to have a power of you living your life?