I’ve long been aware that I hold a lot of tension in my body. When I was working full time, I held it in my shoulders and neck. I was forever going to the chiropractor and physiotherapist to get everything re-adjusted, and almost every 3 months, without fail, something in my neck would ‘snap’ and I would spend two days on the floor, eating Mersyndol painkillers like lollies.
Most days, for as long as I can remember, I’ve held a lot of tension in my torso, like I am constantly holding my stomach in. I don’t mean to brag, but there is not much of a stomach there, I tend to keep my weight in check, but even that is sometimes not good enough.
I’ve long been aware of when and where I am holding my tension, and why, and I’ve struggled with the concept of just letting it go. I’ve done all the things we are told to do. I’ve done Yoga, I Meditate, I became a Reiki Master healer and then went onto become a Seichim Master healer. I can heal others effortlessly, be it through Reiki, through words, be they written or spoken, but for a long time struggled to really let go and heal myself. It was as if I was constantly ready to be attacked, to be punched in the gut, always on edge in a sense.
One can only go on living like this for so long, before one tires of it, and quite recently, I got tired of it.
Not only was I holding tension in my body, I was holding it in my mind, and it was starting to make me resent daily life. Everywhere I looked, I saw obstacles to where I was taking my life, but truth be told, the only obstacle was I.
I was getting in my own way, no one, or nothing else was, it was me the entire time.
One can only blame everyone and everything else for so long before one realises they should be actually looking inside themselves, or in the mirror, right into ones eyes to determine exactly what is really going on, and what the next best move out of there to make is.
I reached a point where I was just so unreasonable about everything. It was too hot, it was too cold, all my friends were busy, all my friends were too available. I was essentially arguing with myself every step of the way.
Many talk of those defining moments in life where they wake up one day and simply decide they are not going to do a certain something anymore, or behave in a certain way, and so on, so they change.
I’ve experienced this before with many things in my life that I have chosen to let go, for they no longer served me, but still the tension, day in day out, I would hold on to.
I’ve written before about my theory on how some people do not have a reason to exist if they have nothing to complain about. I became my words. I was complaining to myself about myself, all day, everyday. Many days, the only rest I would get was when I was asleep, and I am just lucky that I sleep like a log, because I feel like insomnia would have tipped me over the edge, as it can do to so many.
So what did I do?
I let all my tension go and my world changed in an instant.
I remember standing outside, my bare feet on grass thinking about how grounded and at ease I felt with the world, and then simply saying to myself “let it all go”.
So I did. I let my gut out, dropped my shoulders, rolled my head around a few times and here we are.
I remember feeling like the air could go right through me, as opposed to stopping at me, and almost blowing me over, but not without a fight. I remember my breathing suddenly becoming automatic again, granted it had been the whole time, but there were times where I was even holding tension in my breath and my chest.
Not a great way to spend the day, or a life time.
Naturally, being a big thinker and casual over analyser of general life situations, I decided to reflect on what got me to that point of near snapping before letting it all go.
I came up with three main areas of concern in my life, which were resulting in me holding on to a lot of tension.
They were as follows:
Shit in – Shit out
What I was taking into my mind via Social Media. Following a range of people with bodies that only exist in good lighting and with a filter on them, not a body I have, and will not have without giving up earning an income and becoming a human machine.
Feeling like what I was doing was never good enough
When working full time, I remember feeling constantly like I was going to get questioned about what I was doing or why I was doing something a certain way. I remember sometimes feeling like I was the size of a mouse, as passive aggressive micromanagers would tower over me bellowing words I doubt they could spell.
Feeling unworthy of love
This is a big one – Having being single for over 3 years now, I developed a complex in that no one would want to be with me unless I was super fit and had a six pack. Also, what did not help here was the endless supply of strategically angled and filtered pictures on a range of dating apps and websites, leaving me feeling more and more like if I was not one of them, that I was not worthy.
I feel like this has been one of my biggest learnings in that many of the humans of the Internet are, kind of boring, and don’t have much to offer in the way of an actual conversation, OFFLINE, and care more about the likes and the shares and the follows than sitting on a porch one day when they are 80 with their partner still laughing like they did 50 years earlier.
Again, being a thinker and a reflector, I thought long and hard about how I felt about the above after I let everything go, which I will share with you now:
Social Media and information that I take in
I shape my world. I like writing, cars, architecture and funny shit. That is what I see when I log on to the socials for a scroll, and I fucking love it. I will shape my own views of the world, and no algorithm examining my online habits will take that away from me.
I am good enough
I do have good qualities and I will take them to the next place I am destined to go in my life. Since leaving full-time work, I realised that those who I allowed to tower over me, often truly had no idea what they were doing, had little if any ambition to really get ahead in life, and a lot of them could not spell basic words.
The online dating world
Well – long story short, it’s all bullshit. The abs go away as time goes on. Hairlines start to recede, and many who are frequenting these sites are doing so with pictures taken circa 2004-2006 – with filters on them of course. The more people I talk to who are single and looking to date, are leaving the online world in droves, and seeking more than one night with a body shaped like an ice sculpture, and are in search of a brain, a personality, and quality time.
We can’t go to the bank and ask for more time, we only get use of it once, so we must make every second count.
In letting go of tension, I now enter a new world of where I am now beginning to have self-compassion. After a long time, I can now begin to finish a healing process that I started many years ago, Who knows how long it will take, quite frankly, at this point, I am not too concerned, as I feel more at ease than I have in a long time, and will continue to do so as often as I can.
I like to leave my words with a take home message where I can, so here goes…
Holding on to that which no longer serves you does nothing, except perhaps stunt your growth and prevent you from moving on to the next chapter in your life. Putting yourself last in your life does nothing for you, sure, you may feel like you are doing a lot for others, but we are blessed if we have but 5 friends in our life at any given time that we can call on in our darkest hour.
As they say every time we fly, please put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before helping others, for if you are not here to breathe, then you are not here to do your best work yet, or help anyone else do theirs.