My dance with self-worth has I guess you could say been a slow waltz, masked by a bit of John Travolta strutting his stuff to the Bee Gees Stayin’ Alive…let’s begin.
Wednesday, October 4th, 2017
A wise woman I know today asked me the motivation for me writing my books last year. I’ve been asked this question a couple of times and have been honest with my response. I wrote my first book, The Happiness Gap after talking to a number of people over a long period of time who would talk about how if they just had enough money, or if this or that would happen, that they would be happy. My second book, The Return to Utopia was a short story that I had written long before I decided to flesh it out into a book after thinking about what the world would look like if the Internet was to no longer exist. My third is a collection of poetry after setting myself a challenge to write one poem every day in 2016 and then publish these as a book.
I went on to say how my intent behind writing my books was not for fame, or to gain notoriety, but rather identifying a need, wanting to write a story, and setting myself a challenge.
After providing my response, this woman looked at me with a look that a mother gives her child when they suspect they are not telling them everything. Like that semi concerned look right before they probe you with more questions because they know by doing so, you will be honest.
It works every time.
We sat across from each other in a silent pause for a moment and she asked me something along the lines of “well why wouldn’t you expect more and to have some kind of notoriety come of it?”.
I paused for barely a second when my response came straight from my brain through my mouth;
“Because I don’t think I’m worth it”.
Her response, “you are too negative about yourself”.
I sort paused for a bit because I was quite taken back by the statement, not so the statement itself, but that she’d hit the nail on the head.
I then went on to say how many people have asked me when I am having a book launch and I say something along the lines of “oh I’m not sure, I’m pretty busy”, which is bullshit. The one and only reason I have not had a book launch, plain and simple is because I don’t think I am worth it. I don’t feel like anything I have done is worthy of others time, and I don’t know if I can handle anything I’ve done being celebrated, that’s the long and the short of it.
So I had a bit of a breakdown/spiritual breakthrough when reflecting on this conversation and thought I might write about this, and here we are.
I’ve had the above mulling around in my brain for far longer than I care to admit, and in that time, have still somehow managed to paint on a smile and case out some holier than thou writing along the way, with the best of intent, but perhaps also with a touch of guilt in that maybe I feel like I am not living all of my words, but I suppose I could fall back on the old “teach what you want to learn” line that so many do.
I can’t decide.
Most of all, I felt compelled I guess you could say to write this here for those of you who are struggling with your own self-worth, for those of you who are getting sick of painting a smile on each morning, for those of you whose mind is racing at 100 thoughts a second most of the time except for those times when you are ‘on’, and I’m confident you would know what I mean by that.
Thursday, October 5, 2017
So I decided to do something a bit different with this piece in that I have written it on different days. After reflecting on my conversation with this woman of wisdom, I let her read what I’d written and she had some kind words for me which was nice. She knows that I am one of those people who are roaming the Earth searching for meaning and wondering what it is I am going to ‘do” for the rest of my life, in that of a job, as in the Western World, that seems to be what can so often define us, well, on the surface anyway.
And low and behold, she suggested that I should write full time, which, affirms my thinking somewhat, now begins the quest to pursue this, which led to her next point.
She said something so simple, something I’ve seen, heard and read many times before.
“You’ve done all the thinking you need to, now you just need to do it”.
She’s right and in that moment realized that I could sit back in thought and where it is safe doing just enough to get by and live out the rest of my days somewhat afraid of what others might say or that I feel resentment towards some not praising me when I felt I deserved it.
I could go forward with the knowledge that the thinking and the planning and the feeling and the sadness has been dealt with thanks to an ever spinning mind and it is now time to just do, and perhaps more importantly, to just be.
As I’ve written time and time again, we are human BEINGS, not human DOINGS, and I’ve fucking written it enough times to the masses or whoever reads my words to now live it once and for all for myself.
Writing this here feels all a bit raw, pretty unfiltered and quite revealing, but at the end the day, it feels ok, and it feels like a necessary step in my journey (I feel like that expression is such a cliche’ thanks to the Internet, but I need to get out of my own way more and stop being a douche).
When I embarked on this piece, I called it “Self Worth”, and I still feel like I captured the essence of the words well with that. I could’ve written one of those “10 ways to” or “36.7960 times you thought you were shit” but I would just be dragging out a process for no reason other than creating a distraction from sorting out my own inner demons that have been haunting me for long enough.
I’m a bit tired of them, a bit worn down, listening to the same broken down record of thoughts is getting a bit old, and as I keep hitting these keys, I am coming closer and closer to a realisation that I have been aware of for longer than I care to admit, and advice I have offered to many others time and time again, yet failed to take myself, I really am the only thing standing in my own way, and for as much as I felt that served a purpose for a period of time, in that of feeling safe, ultimately, it just left me sitting idle, when I craved anything but, and what’s worse, proclaimed to be so free, ugh, I really am a douche.
Friday, October 6th, 2017
Wow, this literally is turning into a live diary, don’t worry, this is the final entry!
Some of you may have seen my Social Media post leading up to publishing this but for those of you that didn’t, something really cool happened today. A guy at work had a copy of my first book, The Happiness Gap with him which his wife had bought from a store here in Adelaide where I live and she wanted me to sign it. Almost as a default, I thought oh my god, are you kidding? Someone wants me to SIGN a book I wrote? I was almost in disbelief! But, after the last three days of processing much of what I have written about so far, I thought this is my time to flip my thinking, get out of my own head and embrace it. So, of course, I jumped at the chance to sign it and write a thank you message in it.
But me being me, naturally, a million things started going around in my head…” is this a sign?”, “is this the Full Moon?”, “is this my soul purpose?”, you know, all of those practical questions that we ask ourselves in life in 2017…
And I relaxed in that moment with a feeling and a knowing that for as much as I’ve been focussing in all the wrong areas in that of constantly feeling like I am never doing enough, never am enough, or am never worth enough, whatever that means, and even despite repeating “I am enough” after reading about it on the Internet and naturally assuming that this is incredibly scientific and will change the structure of my brain, enhancing my cognition and creating new neurological pathways (ok I’m sure you’re picking up my tone here – I’ll stop now), well it clearly didn’t fucking work like the instructions said, but, I have arrived here none the less in the exact moment I am meant to, and it has been completely out of my control, which destroys me more than you know, but again, I’ve got to start living my words, as, without doing that, they carry less weight.
So from here, who knows? And from here, does it really matter?
I’m not quite sure what tomorrow will bring, or the next day, or the next, but just knowing inside that I’ve done the last ounce of thought on what I’ve written here today, assures me that this chapter is coming to a close, and I”m ready to start acting out the next one, as I feel like it’s already well thought out, written, and maybe edited 100,000 times, so it’s all good.
Thanks for reading my diary you sneaky thing.